Window Seat Chronicles

Travelling to Chennai for the first time after hearing people talk about it for several years is kind of like going on a blind date with a stranger with a bad reputation. You don’t know him personally and when you finally see him, your first thought, no matter how he looks, is “Oh…”
It’s an I-didn’t-really-know-what-to-expect-but-had-I-known,-I-would-probably-have-expected-worse-than-this-so-you-come-as-a-pleasant-surprise kind of “Oh”. I would imagine that’s how strangers with bad reputations score so much. Low expectation is key.

Anyhoo. I had about five thoughts on my three hour flight from New Delhi to Chennai because I spent most of the time sleeping and most of the remaining time making faces at a particularly obnoxious kid who kept making funny-scary faces at me (which was unnecessary because his face was funny-scary in itself. If you’re judging me, I have two words for you: Green snot).

Thought One:
Why are people travelling in heels? Stupid question – Heels are sexy. So I’m going to amend that to HOW are people travelling in heels? Oh dear lord I feel the pain as I watch Delhi women with their Delhi figures from their Delhi appetites, balancing themselves on six inch long and one decimeter wide stilts, as they ricochet from item x to item y for support, passing off prolonged glares if item x or item y happens to be a man (though the good looking men get shy oopsy-daisy-tee-hee-hee smiles). On third thoughts (hey, if second thoughts is a thing…), I’m going to amend my question back to WHY.

Thought Two:
Its 6 am in the morning and the last time I ate at an airport pre-8 am, things did not go down too well. Literally. So even though I’m hungry and I can feel the hungry people I ate for dinner last night running around in my stomach for food, I will not eat anything.

Oh my God that’s a lot of cheese in one burger.

That chicken looks juicy.

Oh my God I can smell the cheese and all the marinated chicken and wow is that yesterday’s dead animal you are serving me no issues make it two.

Thought Three:
I know I said I wanted the window seat but now I have to pee. That is the tragedy of life, in a nutshell. You get what you want and then suddenly it’s not what you need (#deep). It doesn’t help that Mr. Venkatanarasimharaja (Boarding passes are very informative) is snoring in the aisle seat and I’m so fixated on his surname that I want to wake him up using it. Should I attempt it? He snores louder, as though in response to my thought. I don’t want to pee anymore.

 Thought Four (with subthoughts):
What?! Why??!! Why is the seat belt sign red twenty minutes into the flight? This is NOT the outfit I want to die in! Oh man I really should have learned to swim well. WHOA did the pilot just say we’re experiencing mild turbulence?!?! Even Mr. Venkatanarasimharaja is awake and all this moving and shaking in the seat is just torture to my bladder and now that kid is crying because his milkshake fell out of the container. How cute, little does he know he has bigger things to cry about. Like death.
With a funny-scary face like that, it’s probably best he doesn’t live to grow up though. Just kidding. I don’t wish him ill. I just hope the “mild” turbulence makes his green snot fall into his milkshake before he drinks it all up. Ok now I’m going to read the safety manual, because death is definitely taking me to hell.

Thought Five (post – nap, landing, pee-break):
The total number of known languages people use in Chennai is minus one. Zero, because they know none, and minus one for incorrectly answering instead of ignoring other languages. It’s as if they’re communicating through their eyes.

“In which terminal do the Air India flights land” I ask a man.
His eyes widen and his eyebrows go up. This means “Huh?”
“Air India. Flight. Land” I say, while I somehow also expertly act it out.
His eyes go back to normal size and eyebrows flatten. This means “I dunno watcha sayin’ bruh”

I go to another man and ask the same. He points me to the washroom.

I ask a third man, he says “No”

He’s probably right though. The Air India flight in question is already delayed over three hours and “No” just seems like when it’s finally going to land. Now I shall proceed to memorize the Chennai Airport while I wait.